RHOBH: Cheaters, Bullies & Hearsay

We left off with the ladies lunching at Carlton’s witch mansion last week. Mauricio’s cheating was out on the table for everyone to discuss, with Yolanda and Lisa insisting that “there’s no smoke without fire.” Whether it’s smoke, fire or nothing, we’ll be hearing about it all season long. This episode begins with fan favorite Carlton out for some sexy shopping with her girl crush, Brandi Glanville.

 

The ladies are shopping at a store called Trashy and browsing the various kinky handcuffs and skimpy outfits. There are so many lesbionic comments and references in this scene that I was waiting for Melissa Etheridge’s “Come To My Window” to start playing and Carlton to drift off into a daydream with Brandi waiting for her outside the witchy windows of her mansion.

Instead Brandi starts telling Carlton that she needs to find the right outfit to get herself a man. She tells her she likes tall, dark, handsome men- like her ex. Carlton tells her to write down the description and bury it with a crystal on a full moon. Brandi’s completely open-minded and tells her she’s willing to try anything at this point. “I want someone that’s five to eight years older, at least 5’9″ and I wouldn’t mind a big penis!”

At one point Brandi gives Carlton’s tits a good squeeze to ensure they’re all natural. Next, the two take turns trying on sexy outfits. Brandi’s taken aback by Carlton’s impressive figure. She’s got an itty bitty waist, big boobs and a fat ass. So in case Carlton’s personality wasn’t amazing enough, she’s also got a killer body.

Kim Richards is signing the housewives up for a class at the Cirque du Soleil school. You know, just because. I guess Kingsley was too busy to film a scene today. This is the same thing Kenya Moore was stuck doing by herself on last week’s RHOA episode. Before the other wives arrive, Kim takes an awkward spin around one of the ribbons before collapsing on the ground. They’re definitely going to be doing more gossiping than tricks today.

Kyle and Mauricio are out for a double date with Joyce and Michael. Obligatory reference to her husband’s junk- check! This time it was his balls, not his schlong, but still. Joyce is…. the worst. From what I can tell, that’s just her personality.

I obviously don’t think she’s an inherently bad person or anything like that, but I simply cannot find anything likable or interesting about the woman. Everything about her is just so blah and boring to me. For what it’s worth, Kyle is no longer my least favorite cast member on RHOBH.

Surprisingly, Kyle’s growing on me. Not a lot, but it’s something. Whether it’s true or not, I actually do believe that Lisa and Brandi should shut up about Mauricio’s cheating and stop talking about it on camera. There are plenty of opportunities to reach out to her in real life and give her a heads up about whatever it is they may know.

I personally think Kyle looks a bit too uncomfortable talking about her husband’s infidelity on camera for the accusations to be completely without merit. And the blogosphere has been amuck with these rumors since season one, long before they made it to the show.

Kyle notices a report on a TV in the restaurant claiming that her niece, Paris Hilton, is planning a wedding, which she isn’t. Kyle compares that rumor, conveniently popping into the scene, to the rumors about Mauricio. She uses this opportunity to write them off and declare them meritless.

Joyce compares the rumors to ones she faced during her pageant days. You know, because she can’t help but make everything about herself. Michael and his monster member stay fairly quiet. Mauricio says he would agree to take a lie detector test. I hope Andy Cohen takes him up on his offer at the reunion.

Yolanda’s daughters, Gigi and Bella, are raiding her closet. Yolanda’s so stunning she just looks like another sister. The three of them are so rich and gorgeous it makes me sick. Nothing crazy interesting in this scene. Yolanda’s a great mom and her girls seem like they’ve turned out wonderful. She’s already crying alone in Gigi’s room, anticipating her daughter’s inevitable move to NYC at the end of the summer.

Ken gifts Lisa with a new golden retriever puppy, to Giggy’s disdain. Ken calls him Pikachu. Lisa calls him… butt sex. Well, she names him Rumpy Pumpy, which she thinks means “playful sex.” It wasn’t until someone, probably a SUR server, told her to Google the dog’s name that she found the modern day definition on Urban Dictionary. The dog’s going to be spoiled rotten regardless of what he’s called. I preferred Pikachu.

We’re back at the Cirque du Soleil school and Kim is pumped! Brandi is first to arrive, followed by Yolanda. It’s the first time she’s really been around Kim since their fight at last season’s reunion. They both seem uncomfortable and ready for battle. Brandi tells Kim she has an issue with her sister. She tells Kim that paparazzi followed her recently and told them that Kyle called her a bully.

Her children were with her and heard the paparazzi, so Brandi’s extremely upset and worried about how that effects them. She wants to confront Kyle and ask her about it today and Kim tells her she’s not allowed to. Yolanda chirps in to agree with Brandi and Kim insists, “Today is not the day.” Joyce, Kyle, Carlton and Lisa arrive all at once after Brandi, Yolanda and Kim finish their scene.

Kim quickly announces that everyone needs to leave their drama outside and try to enjoy each other and have fun today. The wives that just arrived are taken aback and confused as to why it got so serious suddenly. No one was bringing any drama with them in the first place. Yolanda says, “Let’s just have fun!” and Kim responds, “Yolanda, you’re being rude!” Brandi’s sitting there like, “Well, at least she didn’t call you a slut pig!”

I’m a HUGE Kim Richards fan, but she basically attacks Yolanda over nothing. Or at least that’s how it was edited and appeared. I didn’t hear Yolanda say anything rude or provide any reason to be attacked. Kim says Yolanda’s been rude since she walked in and she’s ruining this fun experience for everyone. Brandi is trying to play both sides, but the two aren’t budging. Kim and Yolanda are apparently going to continue feuding for a while this season.

An instructor interjects the unnecessary drama to get everyone started. He welcomes them to Cirque School and gives an overview of the circus tricks they’ll be trying out today. Carlton hopes there are no clowns. She hates them. I should’ve known witches and clowns don’t mix.

First, the ladies are trying to hang from bars dropping down from the ceiling. Lisa is making jokes about Brandi’s bedroom tricks. Next they’re twirling around some ropes of ribbon. Lisa’s cast mates are admiring her fat ass.

I guess someone’s getting bored, so Brandi drags Lisa, Yolanda and Carlton aside to tell them about the “bully” incident with the paparazzi. Kyle creeps up on the conversation and explains to Brandi that she never used the term “bully.” That was a word the paparazzi used, so they are to blame. Brandi tells Kyle to tell that to her kids and the room goes silent.

Anther instructor interjects this awkward moment. Then the women are doing this thing where one of them rolls on the ground and the other jumps over them. They take turn trying it out in different pairs. The room’s gotten completely uncomfortable since Kyle and Brandi’s little scuffle and everyone seems like they’re basically just waiting for the lesson to be over by now. Soon enough, it is.

Yolanda leaves first because her daughters are going to prom. She’s Dutch and never heard of prom before she came to America, so she doesn’t really understand it. It’s literally a foreign concept to her. However, Gigi and Bella look gorgeous and she’s happy to support them in this strange, superficial American tradition.

The rest of the ladies are actually still filming for a few more hours. They leave Cirque School and head out for dinner together. They all agree that they would’ve had more fun taking the lesson with their kids and none of them thought it was really an activity to go out with your girlfriends to do. So they politely crapped all over Kim’s event.

Carlton quietly complains to Kim and tells her that she was the one being rude to Yolanda and it made her uncomfortable today, because she doesn’t know either of them very well. Brandi tells them to wait to discuss it till Yolanda is around, not talk about her behind her back. Kyle retorts that Brandi was obviously talking about her to Kim behind her back earlier that day, which is completely true. Yikes, did I just agree with Kyle again?

Brandi says she did it because she was upset and she hated that she was called a bully in front of her children. Kyle tells her to tell the paparazzi that. Brandi says she did tell them that. Then she says it clearly came from Kyle’s camp. Kyle tells her she doesn’t have a camp that talks to press. Kyle seems confused as to why Brandi is believing the press.

For what it’s worth, the press was right about her ex-husband’s cheating, so there are legitimate trust issues present. She’s not pulling it out of her ass. They’ve been right before and it hurt her because it was true. I think Brandi genuinely believes them and hates that Kyle called her a bully, which I believe don’t actually happened. I think I’ve read Kyle use the term “mean girl” and I’m sure some random paparazzo just used the two terms ambiguously.

Kyle tells Brandi she’s just a phone call away if Brandi ever wants her to confirm or deny anything in the press. Lisa tells Kyle she should’ve tweeted to deny the “bully” accusation. Kyle says she’s dealing with much bigger rumors than that one, and she is. There was no reason to tweet about this stupid non-story and somehow I agree with Kyle over Lisa. I feel so conflicted about this season. I’m feeling for Kyle for the first time ever.

Kyle tells Brandi and Lisa that they were “not nice” at last week’s lunch at Carlton’s. She says it “wasn’t cool” for them to bring that up. Lisa tries to interject and Kyle starts getting louder and literally kicks her out of the conversation. Once the room starts to quiet down, Joyce decides she needs some attention so she pulls Lisa aside.

Joyce is literally complaining about a hair flip at last week’s lunch at Carlton’s. She tried to fix a stray hair in Lisa’s face and she’s mad because Lisa told her to leave it and flipped it back into place.

She’s not just mad, she’s reenacting this non-incident about six times too many. She keeps mocking Lisa and being completely over the top. Lisa can sense the thirst and politely walks away as soon as possible.

Once they’re back with the group, Joyce announces that Brandi talked about Lisa behind her back to her. She had a private phone call and told Joyce that Lisa can’t take constructive criticism. Brandi claims that’s not what she said. Lisa apologizes for her hair flip.

Carlton says, “You’re really being dramatic right now, seriously, this is bloody child’s play.” Joyce says she a bitch when she’s on her period and Brandi says she must be on her period right now.

Next week, David Foster gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Kim’s daughter graduates, Carlton’s cat gets acupuncture and Brandi reveals to Lisa that she made out with Carlton. I’m sure that won’t be all they’ve done by the end of the season!